Where is The River when you need it?

So huge confession, post baby number two things have been a bit dicey. Not because my marriage is having issues, Joe is a rock our marriage is totally solid and I couldn't ask for a more loving man by my side. Not because I am overwhelmed- I realize to lots of people that having two children 2 and under seems like a dose of insanity; I will be the first to admit that there are moments of insanity but all the beautiful wonderful moments in between make the insanity totally bearable! The reason it's dicey is because I am having an identity crisis. This is not the type of crisis that is going to make me start signing my name with a symbol, it is just the tough realization that I have improperly defined myself for years and I don't know how to re-define myself now.

As far back as I can remember when it came to "the birds and the bees" I was the girl who got her curves way before the boys my age were ready for them and the ultra curvy blonde bombshell persona followed me from middle school- to high school and way into college and my adult years. I think I was the only 8 yr old who had to wear a bra and shave & by high school those curves were being noticed by college guys who I casually dated my sophomore, junior & senior years. (NO I do not think your 15yr old daughter should date a 20 yr old college man, this is my confession/diary don't read into it) In my early 20s I modeled a bit for cosmetics and lingerie companies before meeting my husband.(By no means was I Heidi Klum, but I now realize a huge part of my identity was in how I looked). The night Joe & I met he was so ga-ga over me his jaw literally dropped and a few minutes later while we were chatting he spilled his beer all over my pants because he was so nervous (God knows I LOVE that man). He then donned me with the fun flirty title of Texas Tart. I wore heels every day, mini skirts when I could, never left the house without make up and always looked my best. This is who I was- fashionista, fun, flirty, bubbly, curvy -Bailey

 

Fast forward and the "Texas Tart" decides to settle down with the ruggedly handsome Army man who stole her heart. They have a beautiful storybook Scottish Christmas wedding, they move to snow filled Kentucky and 3 months later they discover they are expecting a wonderful blessing later that year. 

Reagan entered the world a wee- bit before her due date because of pre-eclampsia complications. After 12 long months, just two weeks before our beautiful baby girl turned one I finally made it back to my pre-baby weight and found a lot of my confidence. Three months after that we decided it was time to start trying for baby number two, so ideally our babies would be about 2 years apart and great buddies. We all know in the ever changing Army world that having siblings "buddies" is sooo important because the only consistent thing in your life is your family! Again- we find out weeks later baby #2 is on the way!!! We were over joyed!

(Me & Reagan at like 5 weeks pregnant with Dawson) 

Dawson R. came into the world 2.5 weeks early because of pre-eclampsia complications and lets just say the body doesn't bounce back as fast after baby number two... in fact the only thing bouncing these days are the wobbly bits I have collected on my previously "tart-like" bod. I have been really lost since Dawson was born. Not just because the chasing a 2 yr old and keeping up with a newborn leaves days with a cloudy haze hovering over them, but because I don't know who I am anymore. I am obviously not the stiletto sporting, mini skirt maven from my past. I would like to think I am far from the flannel/husbands PT shirt wearing bed head mom at the PX. But who am I? It is amazing when all the things you were "proud of" in yourself are taken from you. I am proud of my children, I am so stinking proud of my husband, but there isn't much I can say for myself. I am hoping at least one of you Mom's out there can relate. 

So over the past few weeks this has been seeking the same answer, who am I supposed to be now? Who does God need me to be now? What kind of example should I be for my children? How do I balance what pregnancy has left me with (the battlefield of my body) and filling the needs of a husband who is so deserving of my affection. How do you look yourself in the mirror when all you want to do is cover all the mirrors with bed sheets? Then- God started to speak... "But he said to me ' My grace is sufficient for you for my power is made perfect in your weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses so that Christs power may rest on me. That is why for Christ's sake I will delight in my weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak then I am strong"  2Cor 12:9-10. Then Pastor Jon gave an awesome sermon about laying down your cross at Jesus feet... and NOT picking it back up, but leaving it there.... which I completely fail at. So I turn to Proverbs 31-Which says a wife of noble character is worth more than rubies. Not once in those 21 verses does it how beautiful she is, it speaks only to the works of a wife and a mother who is actively serving her family and her Lord. In fact in verse 30 it says "Charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised"!!!! Hello light bulb! 

So I get in the car and I am driving. Two crazy kiddos both crying for a nap in the backseat-  this is that moment, that instant that I want to come to the river! Have you ever had that kind of a moment? One where you know you are carrying so much... you know you have been wrong, you know your head is all kinds of messed up.You feel like you don't have a foot to stand on, your heart is broken, your entire identity is not only blown out of existence, but it wasn't real to begin with. "Oops" doesn't quite seem to cover it. "Help me" doesn't quite seem urgent enough. Tears aren't going to fix it.... you just need JESUS! Like the woman who reached out in the crowd and touched Jesus robe as He was walking past, believing in faith she would be healed..... I need JESUS. Then KLOVE plays this song by the Rhett Walker band and I just burst into tears

 I'm torn between myself and your truth
These cursed memories, forever seeping through
My thirst for myself left me wanting more
Till I found myself face down on your shore

You say
Come to the river
Oh and Lay yourself down
And let your heart be found
You say come to the river
Drink from the cup I pour
And thirst no more

My restless heart, led me astray
To my selfish pride, I became my own slave
But you placed a thirst in me, with no drink in sight
Cause I could not see, till I saw through your eyes

Hello God- it is me. I know we talk all the time. I know I am usually doing the talking and I don't listen like I should. I know that I obviously was using worldly ideals to define myself and that is why I now feel totally lost and unlovable! I am clawing my way to the river, my nails are dirty with mud. The grass stains on my knees won't stop me.... I need JESUS. 

Zephaniah 3:17 " The LORD your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing"