July 8th of 2006 as a bright eyed 19 year old bride, I began my journey as the wife of Sgt. Samuel B. Stevens. Without drudging up too much of my past, I will just say I spent the next several years of my life caught in the middle of a battle that I had no control over. Have you ever loved someone very dearly and you wanted so badly to try and show them the path they were taking was the wrong one; and despite your every effort and prayer, they never hear you? It was kind of like watching a man wandering in the desert searching for water dying of thirst, and I was standing at a well trying to get him to take a drink but he swore I was just a mirage. Although I was young in years, my heart was mature and my relationship with God was strong. But I was not yet wise. I thought I could pray my ex husband clean.... I thought if I fasted enough, was a good enough wife, or tried hard enough that he and I could make it through anything. Eventually the wisdom that comes with years of trying showed me that it takes two to make a marriage, and that one person can not carry the other for an extended amount of time. The bible teaches us to pick up our brother if he falls, to pray without ceasing and God will grant the desires of our hearts, to knock and the door shall be opened. There were tons of verses I clung to for hope; but in the end my ex husband chose his sin over my love. My only option was to walk away and save myself from an unfaithful, abusive, broken marriage.
Not long after my divorce, I met my husband Joe. At the time I was still bruised and bitter. I was angry that my years of prayers had fallen on what I thought were God's deaf ears. I was intensely burdened by the baggage I was carrying because I was too guarded to open up. Much like Ogre's and Onions.... layer by layer oe began to peal back the walls I had built up around myself. I learned pretty quickly that there were several lies I was fed in my previous relationship for so many years that I had begun to hold them as truths; both things about myself, and about men in general. It was actually a relief to be shown real truth and real love, and to be able to throw the lies aside! I was not crazy, I was not undesirable, and I was worth loving! Within the first two months of dating I realized Joe had been a better partner to me, than my ex was in all of our five years together. Then a light bulb went off in my head; God didn't make Sam into the man I was praying for, instead God was begging me to let go and give Sam up to Him..... because He had already raised up a man to love me and be that biblical partner and he was waiting right around the corner. I fully believe today that leaving my first marriage not only saved my life, but that eventually it will save my ex husbands life. I think that for God to complete his work in Sam, Sam has to be at rock bottom, which with me to lean on was never a possibility.
I think the problems of my first marriage are actually more common than people care to talk about. Maybe not the abuse part, but infidelity seems to be so rampant in today's world. Lets face it, pornography, linking up with ex's, and technology have made the cheating venues nearly exponential! Some partners may feel a calling to carry that cross with their spouses and stick things out. I think this requires first that the negative behavior completely cease, and second complete remorse and a very diligent and willing heart by both people to do whatever it takes to reach healing. In other cases, the heart is too broken, the spirit is too crushed, and the behavior doesn't stop. In these cases God gives us an out. Our maker who created our fragile and loving hearts knows that we have limits. The only one who's tolerance of us and love for us is totally limitless is God! To protect our hearts from the hurtful actions of others we have the choice to leave.
Psalm 37:1-13
1 Do not fret because of those who are evil
or be envious of those who do wrong;
2 for like the grass they will soon wither,
like green plants they will soon die away.
3 Trust in the LORD and do good;
dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.
4 Take delight in the LORD,
and he will give you the desires of your heart.
5 Commit your way to the LORD;
trust in him and he will do this:
6 He will make your righteous reward shine like the dawn,
your vindication like the noonday sun.
7 Be still before the LORD
and wait patiently for him;
do not fret when people succeed in their ways,
when they carry out their wicked schemes.
8 Refrain from anger and turn from wrath;
do not fret—it leads only to evil.
9 For those who are evil will be destroyed,
but those who hope in the LORD will inherit the land.
10 A little while, and the wicked will be no more;
though you look for them, they will not be found.
11 But the meek will inherit the land
and enjoy peace and prosperity.
12 The wicked plot against the righteous
and gnash their teeth at them;
13 but the Lord laughs at the wicked,
for he knows their day is coming."
Recently my ex husband contacted me, which is part of what prompted this blog. The first day of our conversations he was completely apologetic for all of the horrible things that happened in our marriage. He seemed mature and more caring than I had ever thought he could be. I literally thought I would die before I heard him admit fault for the divorce. I should have known, it was too good to be true! Day two rolls around and my phone is flooded with texts before my Joe and I are even awake. He tries to explain to me that because his heart has changed, and because God has done in him the things I prayed for in our marriage that my leaving was a mistake. I can only describe what came next as hours of debate and tension as I tried to defend my choice to leave, and he tried to convince me my real place was with him. My poor sweet husband Joe had to watch me get all worked up wrestling this ghost from my past; I forgot how stubborn Sam is. My main line of defense was a statement I hold very close to my heart; since leaving my life as Mrs. Stevens God has brought nothing but beautiful fruit into my life.I found a wonderful job in El Paso where I worked before I remarried.
December of 2009 I married the love of my life, and that relationship that has blossomed into the marriage of my dreams; we are best friends, confidants, lovers, and a support system for each other.We have a beautiful daughter who lights up an entire room with her vibrant smile. The joy, love, peace, and faithfulness in our lives grows abundantly.... and that to me is the best confirmation of my choice.
I soon realized though that there was no convincing Sam otherwise and in his mind I turned my back on him and God when I left ,and I still belong with him and no one else. I respect his place to feel and think what he wants but I pointed out that his statement was very disrespectful of my marriage and his newest one and that I hope some day he understands that his choices left me no option.... leaving was the only way to save myself. Unfortunately things will probably always remain messy and unresolved between us.
I have really opened up in this blog and shared all this with you all because I believe that the best way for me to use my pain is for God's glory. Are you broken from your relationship? Have you been used and abused? Is pornography, or infidelity the secret you keep hidden under the rug of your marriage? Are you considering divorce? You are not alone! Dear one, my heart breaks for you and loves you all in the same breath. I know the pain you are feeling. The nights you can't sleep because your brain won't stop thinking about all the horrible things that surround you. The days when you feel plastic because you fake smile so much you have forgotten what REAL JOY feels like. You may be living with someone, but you have never felt more alone. Know that you aren't! Not only is there a heavenly Father who's love can heal ANY wound, and bridge any gap, but there is also me.... a humble servant of God who wants to reach out and hug you and tell you that it doesn't have to stay this way! Please let my story, my blog, my photos show you that there is hope. That you are worth loving, you are worth being honored and cherished, and good men DO exist! :-) I'm an open book, to those waiting to ask questions. I don't know what would have happened to me had I stayed in my previous marriage. I can say pretty confidently that I would be on medication still, and in therapy if not dead. No one deserves to live that way..... please, step into the light and let God help you find a better path.
Sometimes God has to break our legs, to get us on our knees.
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